Was

Let me preface this blog by plainly saying that this is really hard. Whatever you are about to read has been written and rewritten probably upwards of a dozen times. With that, happy reading.

I was young.

I was naive.

I was hopeful.

I was misguided.

I was expecting one high school, and got another one entirely.

I was ... I don't really know. People always say that hindsight is 20/20, but, quite frankly, it is pretty freaking blurry to me. While those above statements are pretty much indisputable, they do very little to capture who I truly was. When I try to look back on who I was at the start of high school, I don't have much I can say. But, then, does it really even matter who I was. That time is behind me, behind you, and behind anything that is truly relevant. I am who I am right now. This current version of my self matters as much as anything ever will, yet it is also just as irrelevant as my self from four years ago. We, as people, are constantly changing, growing, evolving, and adapting. Making it so that nothing is ever really permanent. One thing that I have learned over these past years is that time never stops marching. It is ruthless in its quest to move forward. During this process, time rips apart the selves that we thought we were until all of our interests, values, and even our entire personas are unrecognizable from what they used to be. This is the beautiful part of it all, though. There is always something to look forward to, some possible future that you can chase after until you either reach it or decide to pursue something different all together. There will always be an underlying theme of change in anything we do. It is the fact that life contains this constant change that makes living even appealing at all. Life would be boring if we, or the world around us, didn't change. Good god, I have no idea where this blog is going.

High school has impacted me in extreme ways. It's crazy to think about how much these past four years did to me. Ultimately, though, high school has, unequivocally, improved me, making me into an upgraded version of myself. That's what makes me so excited, though. If a measly four years could alter my literal being this much, I can't even imagine what I'll be like ten years down the road ... or even twenty.

One paradoxical belief that I hold goes as follows: Life is ultimately a personal experience, yet inherently communal by design. I think that a fitting way to conclude this blog is to leave a message for myself (all past, present, and future iterations) regarding this belief:

Ryan, don't get too wrapped up in the personal side of life, because, if there is one thing that I have learned these past four years, and if there is anything that this incoherent blog has shown, it is that the personal side of things does not matter. It is, instead, the communal aspect that will stick with you. The strongest memories that high school holds for me are the ones that I shared with other people, and that is an indisputable fact. Work hard to keep strong relationships, because they will get you through whatever else the ever-changing life that you will soon lead has in store for you.

Hug those close to you,

Ryan (April 2020)